The Kiddos Sledding For the First Time: AKA: Even The Griswolds Would Disown Me

I have a confession to make.  When it comes to planning family outings/holidays/events I always end up feeling like Clark Griswold and I must be related. Hell, who am I kidding? Even my family dinners would be an utter embarrassment to Clark! But, much like the delusional dreamer he is, I keep trying for that "perfect" (read: non-dysfunctional) family bonding memory. Yet, against my better judgment, I keep trying.

A while back I wrote a post about how I took the kiddos rollerskating for the first time. It was Hell on Wheels, literally. So bad, in fact, that I was given free tickets just on the off chance that I'd be stupid enough to try again. (FYI: Those free tickets have never left my purse. They are coated in melted candy gooeyliciousness, I'm sure) because THAT is a memory that I refuse to relive and am trying to bury deep enough into my psyche that even the world's most court appointed famous hypnotherapist won't be able to make me pull that little tidbit of my past out of my head. But I digress.

As much as I keep failing to make those Norman Rockwell memories as a single mom with 4 young kiddos, I sometimes find myself hoping I can give them a single memory that they can happily share with their own kids, instead of a psychiatrist, someday. Last night, we had our first major snowfall since we moved up North. And, coincidentally enough, Santa brought them their very first sleds for Christmas! (That giant elf's a psychic genius, I tell you!) So I told them that I'd take them sledding (for the very fist time) when I got home from work today. Oh, the fantasies delusions I had of our little family giggling as we sped down the same snow covered hill that I so fondly remember my brother and I pushing racing each other down!

All day at work, I kept watching the clock. Waiting to get home and fulfill my sledding fantasy. 

Then. It. Happened. The scenario of family bliss that I had played repeatedly in my head was upon us. An hour right after I got home, we headed out to the local hot spot of sledding. We got lucky. There were only a few targets kids left for the kiddos to collide with! WooHoo!!! So I grabbed our new sleds, told them the basics (In all honesty, I might have been "Griswolding" too much to actually explain anything. Whatever. This was MY fantasy. So we'll just assume that I did.), and carted our asses up the hill. 

The first ones to head down were myself and the Baby. Because I'm overprotective like that. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with me not being the first one down the hill. DUH!!! Anywho....about 3 feet into our epic ride, the sled broke. And we skidded down the hill. Head over heels and asses. Way to go me for making sure she was sledding safely!! smdh

Next up was the Princess. EPIC ride!!! Right up until Boy2 broke the rules I may or may not have explained and flew down the hill. Slamming her straight in the kidney with his sled.

I let the Baby take her next few rides down the hill alone. Because I wanted her to experience the freedom of flying down a snow covered hill on her own. I assure you it had NOTHING to do with me fearing that the weight of my fat ass caused the first sled to break. Although.....had I actually risked the cheapo $5 sled and sledded down the hill with her, I could have saved myself about 20 semi-impossible walks DOWN the hill. Just to walk back UP the hill. Carrying both a sled and a toddler who couldn't seem to keep her boots on to save her life. come to think of it, if I'd tried the sled after all those trips up and down the hill, my ass might not have broken another sled. Hindsight is a bitch.

It went on like this for a solid 20 minutes hour before I decided to call it quits and remove any and all links I might have to the Griswold family on Ancestry.com. And demanded that we go home. Flash forward to the Princess "accidentally" letting go of her sled and watching it scoot down the hill 30 times, Boy1 "conveniently" losing his balance and sledding down another 10 times, and Boy2 flashing me the bird peace sign while he hit the ramp he was told to stay away from.

I finally got them ready to leave. We were headed to the van. Then the Baby saw the snow drift that I, in my infinite wisdom, told her to avoid in the parking lot. Nothing sucks off snow boots like a 5 foot snow drift, folks. And nothing makes your ears bleed faster than a 3 yr old walking through snow in nothing but stocking feet.

All said and done...We. Did. It. Once again, the kiddos and I made it home. Safe and sound. (Minus a few bruises and a possible kidney issue for the Princess. And frostbite for the Baby.) And, while it might not be the most "perfect" memory.....it's still a memory. And one that I'm only slightly ashamed for them to bring up to their future and inevitable therapist. 

The Story of ME!! AKA- Me Putting It All Out There In The Hopes That It Will Help Someone Else

DISCLAIMER: This is me being raw. And honest. If you are expecting something lighthearted, just close the tab now because you aren't going to get it.

It's been a long time since I wrote anything more than a status update. And I haven't even been able do that for a while. (You're welcome for being spared from my often random and typically chaotic thoughts, by the way.) I'm writing this without second guessing myself. Without worrying about what the hell everyone else is going to think. Without editing (so if you point out a typo, you really need to find a better use of your time), without finding funny pics to post with it, or worrying about how the format looks. This is me putting my story out there. In the hopes that I can help at least ONE person who has been through what I've been through. And helping myself the best way I know how. By just writing about it.

Here goes:

My name is Cindy. I'm 37 years old. And I have 4 AMAZING young kiddos. And earlier this week I had 4 cops show up at my door in the middle of the night because they got a call that I might kill myself. (How's that for "raw"?!)

 About 20 years ago, I tried to kill myself. Yep. You read that right. I did what everyone, including myself, considers the unspeakable. I was only 18 years old. High School Valedictorian, Best Athlete, Class President, all of it. Just starting my life. But I wanted to die. And I didn't want to die peacefully, either. I painstakingly slit at my wrists with my fingernails until I hit a vein. I never even felt it because I was so emotionally numb at the time. (In hindsight, that's probably why I bite my fingernails now. You know, as a "just in case" measure.) Obviously, I didn't succeed. If I had, I wouldn't have 4 little kiddos to drive me nuts on a daily basis. (I DO know my small victories when I see them.) 

It didn't end there. Or start there even, if I'm being honest. I have suffered from eating disorders (multiple, depending on the time.) over the years. And, yes, judge me if you will, but, even though I had a LOT of medical issues throughout my pregnancies that mimicked bulimia (which weren't. I want to be perfectly clear about that!), I continued to go back to that every time. As sick (no pun intended) as it is, I still do. (And, yes, I've done the group therapy/personal counseling/OMG WTF are you doing?!?!? therapy. This post isn't about me failing.) I've suffered/found solice in that since I was in my early teens. Do I know it's horrible? Yes. Have I tried to stop? ABSOLUTELY!!! Unless you've been there, you have no clue.

Anyway, I want to get back to what this is about. Not that the eating disorders are irrelevant, just that I feel they are merely a symptom of something larger. 

Back to the present. This week I almost did the unspeakable again. The last year has been hell. I've had more demons from the past creep up than I ever thought possible. So, yes, I went back to "that place". And wound up with 4 cops at my door ready to haul my ass off to the loony bin. And had to convince them that I wasn't in any immediate danger. You know what, though?  I lied to them. For the first time in ages. I lied. I might not have been in "immediate" danger, but, rather, "imminent" danger. So I lied to get them out of my house. I couldn't bear to put my kids through that embarrassment. I'm still not happy about that.

But you know what?  I realized that, even if I've done everything else wrong, I've done ONE thing right. In my darkest hour, I reached out to someone who was actually willing to put our friendship on the line and think about me first. I learned to trust people. People that I don't even know really well. To look out for me. The people I least suspected to call the cops and make sure I was OK (even though they thought I'd hate them for it), called them. To make sure that, when I'm incapable of taking care of myself, someone will look out for my well being. Because, guess what? If I hadn't reached out. To people I've never even met in real life. Those cops never would have showed up at my door. And I might not be writing this.

Yes, I'm looking out for my own well-being now. Well, in all all honesty, the best I can do right now is say that I'll try to do that. Yes, I know I need help. And, yes, I know how lucky I am and what a near miss I had.

I just hope this reaches someone in the same place I was a few weeks ago before it's too late. And that they realize they aren't alone.

Horny Little Devils

I'm one of those people who just happens to be cursed blessed with a kick ass memory. Except when it it involves anything pertaining to doctor's appointments, what I need at the grocery store, feeding the kiddos, or any other thing that should be important. Or if I've been drinking, in which case all bets are off that I'll even remember which day of the week it is was. The details of random conversations and seemingly mundane shit, however, just seem to stick in my head for whatever reason. Just ask my ex. Or the kids. Or that bitch in grade school who one time made fun of my sparkly pink sneakers that I was so proud of then had the nerve to send me a friend request 30 years later. SHEEESH! The nerve of some people!

Now where was I? I said my memory is outstanding. Not my focus. Pay attention, folks. Oh, yea. My semi photographic memory. It really is. My first memory is from when I was 2ish. I randomly decided that my new word for milk was "Lupe". No one could figure out what I wanted. And let me tell you, that shit. Pissed. Me. Off. I still, to this day, get a little pissy just thinking about it.

Every now and then, though, someone reminds me of some utterly useless information that I actually DID block out forget in my life. Case in point, a friend posted something about a local legend that I had completely forgotten. And it was a gifuckingnormous part of my childhood.

HORNED. HUMAN. SKULLS.

That's not a typo. You read that right. I said "horned", not "horny". Get your mind out of the gutter for a minute. Human skulls with horns were supposedly found here back in the 1800's. The short version of the legend, because I'm just going to assume that the actual story about giants with horns strutting around the neighborhood I grew up in over a thousand years before my fabulous ass got spanked into this world is much less interesting than what I have to say about it, is this:

Over a century ago, some really boring people found many human skulls that some even more boring scientists with nothing better to do determined lived here about 1000 years ago. And the skulls had horns.2 horns to be exact. Oh, and the horny people were giants. The remains got stolen from the museum a few years later.....blah, blah, blah.

(You can read the full story here, but, trust me, my version's better: http://www.viewzone.com/hornedskull.html)

Back to me. How do I, of all people, block something like that out?!?! Fuck it. I left decades ago and developed "Mom Brain" along the way. Anyway, I had totally forgotten that folklore piece of local history that my father used to incessantly beat into our brains growing up. In all fairness, though, he never actually told us the whole story. Just the part where they found Devil Skulls about a mile from where we lived. And "legend had it" that those giant freaks were going to hunt down and sacrifice whiny little brats naughty kids who didn't behave.

Thanks for the memories, Dad!!!

Anyway, upon being reminded of this piece of personal nostalgia, I did what any nontraditional parent would do. I tried to use it to my advantage. Make the kiddos suffer the same nightmares. Teach the kiddos about local history. But with one fatal flaw.

I forgot the minor detail about how those warnings Never. Worked. On. Me. You see, I have ALWAYS loved all things crazy twisted psycho abnormal. And the kiddos are more obsessed than their momma ever was at that age!! The way my kiddos await the Zombie Apocalypse, scary shit, and all the things I  look forward to take with a grain of salt, I should have known that they would embrace the idea of Devil Skulled People secretly watching from the hilltop. Hell, they even considered it a challenge to FIND them. Hunt them down and go all Ghostbusters Proton Pack on their asses. (I have to admit, their plan was probably fool proof, but, alas, I'd probably get in trouble for letting young children camp out alone in the middle of the woods.)

So now I can only hope that whatever memory-y parts of my DNA that make me remember random stuff failed to get passed on, and they will soon forget about the one time I threatened them with told them this story. Because, as much as I've tried to backtrack and tell them that, as much as I tried, the Devil Skulled People never came to take me away....they are determined to pull off what I was never able to do. And I'm not really patient enough to wait for their own "Parent-Brain-Memory-Loss" to occur.

Dear Child

Dear Child,

I'm sorry that life dealt you a hand that no one should ever have to play.  I hate that the only one around to wipe your tears is the one who is crying alongside you.  I want you to know that my life's goal is to NEVER be the one who lets you down and makes you cry.  I'm sorry that I can't erase the past. Trust me, if I could, I would.
   
 I hate that my decisions caused you this pain, and that it will be decades before you ever understand why I did it. I'm sorry that I'm the only one who wanted our family to be whole, but I hope someday you will understand that we can't force others to feel the same way we do, no matter how desperately we want it.
   
I sometimes wish you could have seen the trauma I suffered just so you'd understand why I did what I did, but I'm thankful that I was successful in never letting you see it. That may very well be my proudest Mommy moment ever. Even though I can't save you from this pain now, I saved you from it then.

Watching someone else break your heart is the toughest thing I've ever had to do. Except for listening to you say how you think I broke it first. I want you to know that my heart breaks twofold for every crack you feel in yours. I will endure that pain forever. Gladly. If it means protecting you from a hurt that I know is worse, then so be it.

While I may never be able to stop all of your pain, I will always try my hardest to make sure that you understand that real love comes with respect. Words are hollow. Actions are solid. I promise to always make sure my actions hold up to my words.

I hate that you are the one suffering most. You deserve to suffer the least. You did NOTHING wrong. You were one of the four reasons we stayed a family as long as we did!!! You are PERFECT. Just as you are.

I promise you this: You WILL grow up without the tirades and abuse I endured. You WILL know how much your mother is grateful for every moment she has with you. You WILL know that every tear you shed will be shed by me as well. And things WILL get better......so help me God, I WILL make them better for you.

Always,
Your Mom

   
 

Internet Trolls, Liars Versus Those of us Who Just Want Laugh

Every now and then, some holier than thou perfect parent asshole finds the need to tell me about how terrible of a parent I am. You know what? I. Fucking. Am. And so are you. And you over there. And, well, maybe not her over there, but she's a douchenozzle, and her kids remind me of those creepy little shits in the "Stepford Children"--we all know how that will turn out in the end. But I digress.

We all are in some respect. You know why? Because we're all human. Well, maybe not Boy1. His place on the Evolutionary Chart is still up for debate. But he's not a parent, so my point is still valid for several years. If you want to come back 20 years from now when he has his own child (yes, I'm completely dismissing any and all possibility that I will ever be a grandparent before the eldest turns 28. Because. I. Can.) and argue about how utterly wrong I am about all parents being human, then be my guest. And, while you're at it, get a fucking life.

Now, back to my point. If I can remember what that was. 

Ok, I remember it.

THIS is exactly what you see when you go to my page on Facebook. See that little "about" section? The part where it says that I make stuff up just to amuse myself? Phheeeww! *wipes brow knowing I'm not the only one who sees it*

"This page is 100% my crazy life. Except when it's not, and I need to embellish it or flat out make shit up just to amuse myself."

I consider that little section to be fair warning to everyone that *gasp* I often embellish stuff that happens in my life, or I just flat out make shit up to keep myself laughing when things get rough. It's my cover my ass in court get out of jail free card, if you will. Guess what.? And I know you'll all be surprised by this, but Facebook. Isn't. Real. At least, it's not, for me. It's an outlet. A way to introduce everyone to how MY mind works. Maybe not everyone (remember douchenozzle, Stepford Mom in the corner? BTW, someone needs to pass that bitch a paper bag because I'm pretty sure she's hyperventilating by now). But people who are able to actually separate the real world from the internet.

Don't get me wrong. Lying. Is. Bad. Really fucking bad. I despise liars. In fact, the thing my kiddos fear the most is getting caught in a lie. (Except for boys hitting girls, but they're still young and already know that that shit isn't gonna fly.)  Because they know how much that punishment is going to suck compared to anything else they could do. And, trust me, I know how to spot a lie. Just to clarify. Jokes. Good. Sarcasm. Better. Lies. Get ready for Mommy to ruin your damn day.

I guess this is the point where I feel that I need to clarify WTF this post is actually about. Hell, I'm not even sure what it's about now because I'm too damn lazy to scroll back and look at what I actually wrote, but I'll just assume it's this: Stop judging everyone else. Stop thinking that every post by every person/page it "true". Learn to laugh. Make fun of your own life. And think about how fucking funny your own "real life" stuff could be if you just took a moment to step back and wonder "What if life's chaos had happened THIS way, instead?".

Everyone needs a place to stop short of murdering innocent bystanders vent/laugh/make fun of themselves. For me, that place is the internet. I don't judge anyone on any random post they make. I know what's real and what's not. Just ignore me while I choose to laugh instead of being a little bitch about it.

Random Thoughts to Save the World

Have you ever looked at the world and thought that there is no hope for humanity? If you haven't then you must be a fucking clueless bastard real optimist.

This is an honest conversation that several admins and I had about how to save the world. And some who wanted to destroy our genius plan.



SIDENOTE: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Also the guilty who obviously want to see the world in ruins. 

STFU:

HH and I just figured out how to create world peace and solve the economic crisis. It may involve sporking birds, jamaican jerk vulture, big boobed shrines in our honor, and mass amounts of plastic surgery, and Ryan Reynolds. Just thought you should know.

 ·  ·  · Yesterday at 5:21pm

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• • 
    

    HH: it's a foolproof plan
    

    Yesterday at 5:24pm · 
  • 
    

    STFU: Impossible to fail.
    

    Yesterday at 5:24pm · 
  • 
    

    PAUSE: How can I help
    

    Yesterday at 5:25pm via mobile · 
  • 
    

    HH: the first step is to spork all birds on the planet. fuckers.
    

    Yesterday at 5:25pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    STFU: So we need lots of sporks.
    

    Yesterday at 5:25pm · 
  • 
    

    NSM: I can get knorks, or do you want to stick with sporks?
    

    Yesterday at 5:26pm ·  ·  1
  • HH: spork per bird. unless you get the metal ones. those
    might be a better investment
    

    Yesterday at 5:26pm ·  ·  2
  • 
    

    STFU: knorks could work
    

    Yesterday at 5:26pm ·  ·  2
  • 
    

    HH: they are pretty sturdy
    

    Yesterday at 5:27pm · 
  • 
    

    HH: really all we need to do is go to fast food restaurants
    and swipe them.
    

    Yesterday at 5:27pm · 
  • HH: and then begin to spork away
    

    Yesterday at 5:27pm · 
  •  STFU: But set the vultures aside on ice until we find a really
     good jamaican jerk recipe.
    

    Yesterday at 5:28pm · 
  • 
    

    HH: that is where we will make our millions and receive praise
    for ridding the world of vermin in a delicious way
    

    Yesterday at 5:30pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    STFU: I think they bailed on our plan. Too bad, too, because
    we were just going to tell them about the Nobel Peace Prize
    and shrines. sheesh
    

    Yesterday at 5:31pm · 
  • HH: and the resurgence of economies all over the world. tsk
    

    Yesterday at 5:32pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    STFU: They have no vision. Dammit. The world is screwed.
    

    Yesterday at 5:32pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    HH: It's just you and me
    

    Yesterday at 5:32pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    HH: against the world.
    

    Yesterday at 5:33pm · 
  • STFU: ‎^I'm fine with that.
    

    Yesterday at 5:33pm · 
  • 
    

    PAUSE: I'm still here, I'm collecting supplies
    

    Yesterday at 5:34pm via mobile ·  ·  2
  • 
    

    HH: excellent
    

    Yesterday at 5:39pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    F4F: We're all doomed!!! ;-)
    

    Yesterday at 5:45pm via mobile · 
  • 
    

    HH: YOU are, while we will flourish
    

    Yesterday at 5:47pm ·  ·  2
  • 
    

    STFU: ‎^that. They won't be allowed in the Cultured Vulture,
    and since that's all anyone will ever eat, they'll starve.
    

    Yesterday at 5:48pm ·  ·  2
  • 
    

    HH: ‎^bazinga!
    

    Yesterday at 5:48pm ·  ·  1
  • F4F: I saw what happened to STFU's hotel... Nuff said. :)
    

    Yesterday at 5:50pm via mobile ·  ·  1
  • HH: haters gonna hate
    

    Yesterday at 5:51pm ·  ·  1
  • STFU: Can we banish F4F to the moon?
    

    Yesterday at 5:51pm ·  ·  2
  • 
    

    F4F: Thanks "Alice." :)
    

    Yesterday at 5:53pm via mobile ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    HH: POW!
    

    Yesterday at 5:55pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    Diary: Did you all get high without me?!?!
    

    Yesterday at 5:56pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    F4F: Haha.
    

    Yesterday at 5:57pm via mobile · 
  • 
    

    STFU: Nope. Just trying to better the world.
    

    Yesterday at 5:57pm · 
  • 
    

    Diary: Oh okay...just making sure! Thought there might have
    been a little puff puff pass action going on! O.o
    

    Yesterday at 5:58pm · 
  • 
    

    F4F: I think STFU and HH bought some "magic" beans...
    

    Yesterday at 5:59pm via mobile ·  ·  2
  • 
    

    HH: No, we're just geniuses
    

    Yesterday at 5:59pm via mobile ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    HH: Using our powers for good
    

    Yesterday at 6:00pm via mobile ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    STFU: This is actually one of our more mild plans. You
    should hear the story about the tooth fairy, boob fairy, and
    laundry fairy.
    

    Yesterday at 6:00pm ·  ·  1
  • NASAIL: Just so you all know, as soon as I read this 39
    minutes ago, I acquired the rights to all sporks, knorks, and
    jerk seasoning. So, for your plan to work you will have to
    pay me a hefty sum. Or do all of my laundry forever.
    

    Yesterday at 6:01pm ·  ·  1
  • F4F: Which one turns into water and which one turns in to a
    big fluffy pink Mammoth again?
    

    Yesterday at 6:02pm via mobile · 
  • STFU: Can we get back to the part where we've now ridden
    the world of those vile creatures and ended world hunger at
    the same time so they award us the Nobel Prize?
    

    Yesterday at 6:02pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    STFU: ‎NASAIL, once we follow through with our plan, you
    will be paid a hefty sum.
    

    Yesterday at 6:04pm · 
  • STFU: And why are you trying to stop worldwide happiness?
    You're supposed to be the nice one.
    

    Yesterday at 6:07pm · 
  • NASAIL: I'll need some money up front or a goodly amount
    of laundry done before I release the merch.
    

    Yesterday at 6:07pm · 
  • NASAIL: No STFU I'm not the nice one. Remember;
    "Not As Sweet As I Look".
    

    Yesterday at 6:07pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    STFU: Fine. I've got PAUSE making knew knorks as we
    speak. We'll work around your evil genius.
    

    Yesterday at 6:08pm ·  ·  1
  • NASAIL: I shall sue you, I own all the copyrights. Besides,
    you cannot have worldwide happiness unless you plan to kill
    the dissenters.
    

    Yesterday at 6:09pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    STFU: And I'll make my own jerk seasoning.
    

    Yesterday at 6:09pm · 
  • NASAIL: Can't no seasoning available to do it. Oh, I also
    had vultures declared endangered, so you cannot kill them.
    

    Yesterday at 6:10pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    STFU: There will be no dissenters. And they'll drop all
    charges after we save the world and realize we had to do it
    for the betterment of all humankind.
    

    Yesterday at 6:12pm · 
  • NASAIL: Can't save the world from jail. There are always
    dissenters. I mean, F4F is already one.
    

    Yesterday at 6:13pm · 
  • NASAIL: I'll lead a revolution.
    

    Yesterday at 6:13pm · 
  • STFU: So you WANT to live in a world with vultures
    pooping on your head and no big boob shrines? That's just
    sad.
    

    Yesterday at 6:14pm · 
  • NASAIL: I have big boobs, I'm like my own shrine and
    I don't think it was a vulture that pooped on HH and I
    have never been pooped on by one. I don't
    even know anyone that has ever been pooped on by one.
     Really, should we punish all vultures for the alleged
    sins of the few?
    

    Yesterday at 6:16pm ·  ·  1
  • STFU: Fine. The first vulture lives. I'll make him my pet.
    (His name is George. Say hi to George). I'll train him to
    take out the leader of the revolution first. Since he's a
    vulture, all evidence is destroyed.
    

    Yesterday at 6:16pm ·  ·  1
  • NASAIL: Pssh, not all evidence. They really are not
    very effective at destroying a corpse.
    

    Yesterday at 6:18pm · 
  • STFU: Either way. A vulture did it. Not us. When
    was the last time you saw someone convicted of
    murder via training a vulture named George? Ok,
    now that the revolution has been eaten...errr...
    taken care of...
    

    Yesterday at 6:20pm · 
  • STFU: Oh yeah, back to the Nobel Prize. We
    win it. (Go us!!!) and everyone is so grateful
    that their world is now awesome, so they build
    shrines in our honor. Lots of them.
    And the really pretty ones. The boobs will be
    perky and bigger than our real ones,
    but only because no one wants to make us sad.
    

    Yesterday at 6:26pm ·  ·  1
  • HH: NASAIL just doesn't want to see us succeed.
    

    Yesterday at 6:32pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    HH: and she likes anarchy an chaos
    

    Yesterday at 6:32pm ·  ·  2
  • HH: plus i'm going to need proof of this paperwork that I do
    not believe exists.
    mhmmm that's right, calling your bluff evil woman
    

    Yesterday at 6:33pm ·  ·  2
  • STFU: While NASAIL is gathering nonexistent paperwork
    in the off chance that George didn't get her, I'll continue.
    So, since everyone now adores us, they all need to get plastic
    surgery to emulate the new "big boobed" us, and plastic
    surgeons around the world are suddenly busier than
    they've ever been before.
    

    Yesterday at 6:36pm · 
  • HH: this will pump much needed money back into the
    economy, since it will then be a buyers market.
    Jerk vulture and tattis all around
    

    Yesterday at 6:37pm ·  ·  1
  • STFU: ‎^right? So all the little kiddos who grow up
    worshiping our shrines, see this, and go to college
    to become plastic surgeons and earn the newest,
    most popular degree in tattoo artistry.
    Education. Fixed.
    

    Yesterday at 6:41pm ·  ·  2
  • HH: Thus ending world hunger with the jerk chicken
     AND encouraging children to get higher education.
    It will also encourage people to start their own businesses.
    BA DA BING- the american dream has been restored
    and spread throughout the world
    

    Yesterday at 6:42pm ·  ·  1
  • HH: ‎*jerk VULTURE
    

    Yesterday at 6:43pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    HH: sheesh.
    

    Yesterday at 6:43pm · 
  • STFU: We get elected as the first ever co-Presidents, but
    we decline because we are too busy travelling the world to
    satisfy our worshipers and relax on beaches while we harass
    cabana boys.
    

    Yesterday at 6:44pm ·  ·  1
  • HH: sexually harass :)
    

    Yesterday at 6:45pm ·  ·  2
  • HH: Oh, and Ryan Reynolds will BEG to work for us.
    He likes the touching
    

    Yesterday at 6:46pm ·  ·  1
  • STFU: ‎^right. My bad. Then Ryan Reynolds
    (who's been in awe of us this whole time)
    begs to be our full time cabana boy.
    

    Yesterday at 6:46pm ·  ·  1
  • STFU: JINX!!
    

    Yesterday at 6:46pm · 
  • HH: piss
    

    Yesterday at 6:46pm · 
  • STFU: ‎^^and THAT's how we save the world.
    

    Yesterday at 6:47pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    HH: anyone who doesn't agree wants to see the world implode!
    

    Yesterday at 6:47pm ·  ·  1
  • STFU: We are a beacon of hope in a sea of darkness.
    

    Yesterday at 6:47pm · 
  • 
    

    HH: I read that as a sea of diarrhea. same diff
    

    Yesterday at 6:48pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    STFU: We should contact the giant rat. This deserves to be
    a movie. I'm dying over here!!!
    

    Yesterday at 6:49pm · 
  • 
    

    PAUSE: I'm holding ryan reynolds hostage
    

    Yesterday at 6:49pm via mobile · 
  • HH: hell no you won't. we have ULTIMATE POWER!
    

    Yesterday at 6:49pm ·  ·  2
  • 
    

    HH: and to think this all started with my boob getting shit
    on by a bird AGAIN
    

    Yesterday at 6:49pm ·  ·  3
  • 
    

    HH: I'm not sure disney would go for the sexual harassment
    part heh
    

    Yesterday at 6:50pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    HH: OR the slaughter of all the birds thanks to doodoo.
    but it's for the best. wtf do they do for us anyway??
    

    Yesterday at 6:50pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    STFU: They can censor it. It's at the end, anyway. After
    the credits?
    

    Yesterday at 6:50pm ·  ·  1
  • 
    

    HH: hahaha it will look like bloopers. if only they knew
    

    Yesterday at 6:53pm ·  ·  2
  • STFU: ‎^perfect!!
    

    Yesterday at 6:54pm · 
  • 
    

    HH: print this shit out. it's screenplay sellin' time
    

    Yesterday at 6:54pm ·  ·  2
  • 
    

    
    

    
    

    The players:
    STFU- That's me! Fucking DUUHHH!!!
    
    HH- Holdin Holden https://www.facebook.com/holdinholden
    
    PAUSE: Life on PAUSE https://www.facebook.com/lifeonpause
    
    Diary: Diary of a Not So Wimpy Mom https://www.facebook.com/pages/Diary-of-a-not-so-wimpy-mom/124108407688508
    
    NASAIL: Not As Sweet As I Look:https://www.facebook.com/pages/Not-As-Sweet-As-I-Look/183695428372725
    
    F4F: Fodder 4 Fathers https://www.facebook.com/fodder4fathers
    
    I you don't find that funny, then you obviously don't know me. I'm still laughing a day later about it!!! The question is, which one of you is going to submit this as a screenplay to a major movie studio for us?!?!?