Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Science Is Fun(ny)!!

You know those moments when someone opens your eyes to the most random, crazy shit that some people do on a daily basis? Well, since I don't pay a whole lot of attention to other people  tend to mind my own business, this rarely happens to me. Today it did. And not in your normal, "Wow! That's fucked up!" kind of way. OK, I'll admit, at first I was wondering why in the fuck someone would just admit something like that to me, but then I had time to truly absorb the impact of how this new bit of knowledge could impact my life.

What I'm talking about is some (he described it as Voodoo) tradition of holding something against your chest, paying attention to how your body moves-leaning forward or backward (Yes, my mind immediately went to the fucking gutter with that visual, too.)-to decide whether or not to continue. Forward= good for you. Backward=don't do that shit!

While I originally thought this idea was bat shit crazy, I couldn't get it out of my mind because he insisted it actually worked! I mean, really?!?! I'm always looking for ways to make my decisions in the laziest most efficient way possible. The more I thought about it, the more brilliant it actually sounded. So I did what any semi-sane, bad-decision-making person would do. I Googled the shit out of it! Voodoo-nothing. Superstitions-nope. Old wives tales (because the person practicing this was, in fact, an old wife)-zilch. Witchcraft, Scientology, Alien DNA?-not a fucking thing. I'm now convinced that Google doesn't know me at all.

At this point, I was out of search ideas and just assumed that this parlor trick was either a hoax or special Top Secret info only available to those people at Area 51 who get to run creepy  experiments on the little, bug-eyed, green freaks. I knew that there is no way I'll ever gain Top Secret clearance (curse my addiction to the internet and putting my whole  twisted life online!), so I would have to test it myself just to see if someone was playing a cruel joke on me. In all honesty, I was already drunk sleepy and had to find out if this shit could come in handy. Or, at the very least, creep the hell out of all my friends. Because, let's face it. That's. Just. Fucking. Fun.

EXPERIMENT 1: Grab the first thing I see. Ooooh! Look, a beer!! That'll work just fine, thank you. I held it to my chest. Leaned forward. Good. To. Fucking. Go!!! So far, I'm liking this idea!

EXPERIMENT 2: The baby is, yet again, begging for me to pick her up for no apparent reason. How convenient! I pick her up, and I lean backward. This is not looking good. Either the universe is trying to tell me that my kiddos are bad for me, or this whole thing is bullshit. Speaking of shit...guess which little human decided to fill her diaper at that exact moment? Maybe there's some truth to this, after all. I'll consider that a win.

Now I'm 2 for 2. I'm not a scientist, but my odds are looking pretty damn good at this point. Who knows, maybe I'll win the next Nobel Prize for my random attempt to amuse myself dedication?

EXPERIMENT 3: I picked up the laundry basket full of dirty clothes. I held it against my chest. Go figure. I fell backward. Granted, it could have been because of the multiple beers I'd already had or the fact that my back chose that exact moment to freeze up, but if it gets me out of doing laundry on the off chance that I could die in some freak washing machine explosion, I'm still going to count it.

EXPERIMENT 4: Another beer. This one is, clearly, going to be the deciding factor as to whether or not this concept could change my life forever. I held that beer close to my chest. Concentrated as well as I could. That's when I fell the fuck over sideways. 

I'll assume that means that I'm better off using my Magic fucking 8-ball, and I should "try again later".

What "quirky" superstitions do you firmly believe in?


  1. I make wishes on clocks that read all the same number. I kiss my hand and touch the ceiling of the car when going through yellow traffic lights. I throw salt over my shoulder when it spills, knock on wood, and cross my fingers.
    Are you sure the person in this blog wasn't me??

  2. BAHAHAH!!! You do know that hitting the ceiling of you car in a yellow light increases your sex life by 30 seconds, right? I can only wonder how long you've been doing this and how successful it's been. lol

  3. I do all of I pick my feet up when I go over railroad tracks in a car. I kiss the roof of the car with my hand twice if I run a red light. I have 2 black cats but only because they chose us. It's late now and I can't think of anything else. I do wonder now if there is any truth to this 3p seconds added to my sex life thing! I may have to drive through more yellow lights!