Monday, February 27, 2012

Leave Me Alone!!!!

Boy2 has always had a bit of a loner streak in him. He's a cuddler, hardcore, and is the life of the party whenever he's around other kids, but ever since he was born, he also needs his "alone time" more than any of the other kiddos. I'll find him backing away from the rest of the kids, playing in his own world, and, hell, he's the only one who will actually close the damn door when he uses the bathroom!

This weekend, however, he said that he wants to be left alone. Totally. Alone. For a whole day. He wants his brother and sisters AND me (WTF?!?!?! Seriously?!?!?) to go somewhere and leave him alone for 24 hours. He was adamant about it. No kids. No Mommy. No anyone. For 24 fucking hours. He's only 6, obviously, there was no way in Hell, that that was going to happen. After I came to my senses and realized that I'd still have the other 3 tagging along, I cancelled my ticket to Getthefuckawayistan, and did what I do best.

I enlightened him as to how fucking easy his lazy little ass really has it how much he really needs and wants his Mommy around. Unfortunately, he's just as much of a smartass as I am (yes, I'm secretly proud), so it took a little time to convince him just how lucky *cough* he is to have me around.

Who's going to make your breakfast? You'll starve. (Translation: You eat more than any other child on the fucking planet! How the hell do you think you'll survive?!?)
           I'll fix my own breakfast. Pancakes come in a mix. How tough can it really be?!?

You're not allowed to use the stove. (Translation: We have a gas stove. You'll burn the fucking house down, dumbass.)
           OK. I'll have cereal. You bought the good cereal this week, anyway.

You can't seem to figure out how to turn the shower on. (Translation: You're too fucking lazy to figure out how to keep from scalding yourself BEFORE stepping into the water.)
           That's OK. I won't play outside, so I can skip a day of showering.

When was the last time you were able to pick out clothes that match without calling for me? (Translation: Alright, you little shit. Game.Fucking.On.)
            It's the weekend. No school. I can't drive anywhere so why do I need matching clothes?

What happens when you can't find Blue Bear to go to sleep? (Translation: If you can't keep that stank ass bear in one place for 10 minutes, then how are you ever going to find it on your own?!?)
            I'll just carry him around all day. He'll have fun.

You're grounded from your Nintendo DS, and you're not allowed to watch TV unless I approve the show first. (Translation: If you think you're going to be able to veg out and be lazy all fucking day while I run around with 3 little kiddos, you are sorely mistaken!)
          I'll play games on your laptop. I have codes to that I haven't used yet, too.

I'd take my laptop with me. (No translation. That shit just isn't going to happen.)      
        OK, you can stay, Mommy. Can we send the other kids        to camp or something?

Game.Set.Match.I like that idea. Maybe we should.

When was the last time your kiddo tried to outsmart you, and you took pride in the fact that he never stood a chance?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I Said What?!?!?

Growing up, I was the "good girl" who never got in trouble. I never said a bad word, never ratted out my brothers and sister, never spoke back to my parents or teachers. (I'll pause now while you clean the spit off of your computer screen.)

Honestly, though, I really was! I never caused trouble got caught, and never got grounded from anything until I was 16 years old. (That drunken incident is on public record so do yourself a favor and Google it.) Maybe my mother was a better parent than I am, and just knew how to raise "good kids". And, by that, I mean that if any of you ever say that I said that publicly I will spork you.

Grounding kids from "being outside" is, sadly, not effective for me. Not when I live in the Northeast, anyway. Hell, if there isn't any snow on the ground, there's no fucking way my kids want to go out and "brave the elements"!

So, I've resorted to grounding them from "stuff". My kiddos have been grounded from everything under the sun for being little punks. TV, electronics, Barbie dolls, the dog (Wait, what?!?!)you name it...they've suffered through the withdrawal.

Tonight, however, I made, what is quite possibly, the biggest "grounding" mistake of my parenting career.

I grounded them from speaking to each other. At. Fucking. All.

Maybe my mother was right, and realized that grounding kids, at such a young age, would come back to haunt me. Or maybe she was just clueless about the shit I pulled off. Or maybe I was a genius who knew how to get away with it. I'll assume it's the last one...but I digress.

One day for every nasty word they spoke to each other. As it turns out, that just means that they have to whine to ME rather than each other! That, and the fact that they will never speak to each other again until they are mourning/celebrating my death, just means that I'm stuck hearing about every little whiny thing. For. Fucking. Ever!!!

Bad decisions. They happen. What's your worst disciplinary decision ever?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day: That one day of the year that you either get to gush about how fabulous your love life is or tell everyone you know how you think it's an overly commercialized, "created by Hallmark holiday" just so lazy people can ignore their "Honey Bunches of fucking Oats" the other 364 days of the year. 365 days of the year. (Thanks for the added day of misery, Leap Year!)

For me, this year, I wasn't sure which group I would fall into. It's the first Valentine's Day that I've been single in well over 15 fucking  years. I wanted to think that I'd embrace my inner bitch and celebrate "Single Appreciation Day", but I wasn't really sure how I'd react when the actual day got here.

The Ex and I always celebrated. Not in your normal, "buy random shit with no special meaning" kind of way. We went all artsy-fartsy creative, or we did random and crazy, goofball type of stuff. So, I wasn't sure if I'd feel depressed and lonely, drowning my sorrows in a bottle of wine, or partying my ass off, running around the streets naked, celebrating the fact that I didn't need to do a damn thing this year. Yes, I realize that both extremes involve excessive amounts of alcohol. It is still a holiday, and the best part of any holiday is that it makes excessive alcohol consumption socially acceptable. But I digress.

I woke up confused. I didn't really feel like I fell into either stereotype. (Except for knowing that, either way, I'd be visiting the liquor store. Like I said. Holidays make it mandatory.)   I got stuff for the kiddos, went to work, and went on about my fucking day as if this "holiday" didn't exist. Hell, denial has always worked for me in the past, so I'll take the odds that it will work today!

That's when it hit me. Just what DO single people do on V Day when they aren't whining about how much they hate it?!?! So, I decided to embrace all of the good things I can enjoy about being single on Valentine's Day.

For the first time in 15 years,Valentine's Day didn't make me:

1. Shave my legs. I live in a drafty as fuck house, and shaving in the middle of winter just causes razor burn!

2. Worry about bribing the kids to actually sleep in their own beds. (That one always winded up biting me in the ass...and not in a good about 3AM, anyway)

3. Avoid my "comfy clothes" for more than10 minutes after walking in the door.

4. Stand at the liquor store, worrying about what kind of alcohol we'd both like I like but could pretend that I didn't know he hated.

5. Clean the fucking house. I'm sorry, preach all you want about "I'll do it anywhere and everywhere", but NOTHING kills the mood better than being thrown down, ready to do the deed, only to find a Lego stuck up your ass!

That's my take on this holiday. I hope you have all had a wonderful VDay, whether or not you are celebrating or running through town naked. If you're running around or it never happened!

How did your VD (heheheee) turn out?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Hell on Wheels

Being a single mom for the past year, there is one part of the change that I fully believe I will never adjust to--at least not for the next 8 years or so until the kiddos become somewhat self-sufficient. That one thing that really makes me want to become a hermit, hide under the covers, and never show my face in public again? Taking 4 kiddos out to do things.By.My.Self.No backup to bail me out.

Now, before you get your panties in an uproar, I'm not talking about grocery shopping, doctor's visits, church (HA! Yeah, right.), or even going to a restaurant (as if most single mothers really get the luxury of someone else cooking food that the kids will refuse to eat!). I'd like to believe that I mastered doing all of those years ago. Hell, what SAHM wasn't forced to manage doing all of those things alone?!?!?

I'm talking about FAMILY OUTINGS. You know, the fun stuff. The outings where you laugh, take pics, make fun of each other, and frame those pics, set them on the mantle, and fool the world into thinking your kids are anything less than perfect. Our "outings" are not very often anymore. Time, money, and my utter fear that these memories will be the ones coming to mind when they are picking out my nursing home/insane asylum one day all make it more of a commitment than I am willing to make most weekends. But I know, that every family needs a chance to make memories outside of the house.

Today, I chose to make some memories.  Roller skating, here we come!! A family first for us! I'm going to get so many pics and make so many damn memories that I'll be picking up my Mommy of the Year award with the kiddos rolling up beside me!

I grew up spending every weekend at the rink. I honestly don't remember ever not being able to skate. Granted, it's been over 25 years since I've been on skates, and I'm cheap, so there was no way in hell that I was skating! Kids are bouncy and they have health insurance! Momma, not so much.

Errr....I mean, for the safety of the children, I decided not to skate so I could better take care of them.

So all 5 us us headed to the rink. I paid for the boys and the Princess to skate. It didn't even dawn on me that the baby would want to skate. She's 2 and barely coordinated enough to walk without busting her head open on counters and tripping over thin air. (She may have health insurance, but it's not that damn good!)

Screaming baby, aside, I manage to get skates on the boys and "training skates" on the Princess. Turns out, those stripper boots that Santa brought her don't exactly fit well with training skates. Back to the counter. New skates on.

And they're off! And, by "off", I really mean, "down". Repeatedly. And horribly. Hell, I don't even think they really got "up" for the first 15 minutes.

OK, they aren't hurt. Time to appease the baby who won't stop screaming. Back to the counter. Training skates for the baby on. Holy crap! She's actually more coordinated on 8 wheels than she is on two feet! Go, baby, go!!! That's when she insisted on leaving the sitting area and hitting the actual rink. I'm still not sure how that poor child managed to keep the same number of fingers she started with! All I can say is, thank goodness I was too lazy to change her wet diaper before getting there, because I'm sure her ass appreciated the added protection.

By now, I'm exhausted, and I need a break from the 4 of them hanging onto me for dear life, so we hit the popcorn stand. No fewer than 18 people cut in front of me while I was too distracted by preventing skull fractures and broken bones from causing us (and by us, I mean me) from sitting in the ER all night. We finally get our popcorn and can relax. Of course, the baby tries to throw it once she realizes she has to share. (Great save, Boy1, btw!) Two seconds later, Boy1 spills it all on the floor. I'm. So. Done. One more trip around the track, and we are leaving! Boy2, however, can't even let us do that, because, of course, he now hates Boy1 for dumping the popcorn!!

Now I have 4 screaming kids, a 1/2 hour of my life that I'll never get back, and skate wheels hitting me in the face as I rip them off their feet.

 As for those "memory pictures"? Really?!?! How dare you even ask!

We go to leave, and the guy at the counter stops us. "Someone" told the owner about what a hard time I was having managing all 4 first time skaters alone, and what a wonderful (WTF?!?!?) job I was doing with them, so they offered me free passes "just in case" I ever wanted to try it again.

What's your opinion? Would you try again, since it's free, or save your sanity and leave the engraved roller skating picture frame blank and give the free passes to a frenemy?