Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Story of ME!! AKA- Me Putting It All Out There In The Hopes That It Will Help Someone Else

DISCLAIMER: This is me being raw. And honest. If you are expecting something lighthearted, just close the tab now because you aren't going to get it.

It's been a long time since I wrote anything more than a status update. And I haven't even been able do that for a while. (You're welcome for being spared from my often random and typically chaotic thoughts, by the way.) I'm writing this without second guessing myself. Without worrying about what the hell everyone else is going to think. Without editing (so if you point out a typo, you really need to find a better use of your time), without finding funny pics to post with it, or worrying about how the format looks. This is me putting my story out there. In the hopes that I can help at least ONE person who has been through what I've been through. And helping myself the best way I know how. By just writing about it.

Here goes:

My name is Cindy. I'm 37 years old. And I have 4 AMAZING young kiddos. And earlier this week I had 4 cops show up at my door in the middle of the night because they got a call that I might kill myself. (How's that for "raw"?!)

 About 20 years ago, I tried to kill myself. Yep. You read that right. I did what everyone, including myself, considers the unspeakable. I was only 18 years old. High School Valedictorian, Best Athlete, Class President, all of it. Just starting my life. But I wanted to die. And I didn't want to die peacefully, either. I painstakingly slit at my wrists with my fingernails until I hit a vein. I never even felt it because I was so emotionally numb at the time. (In hindsight, that's probably why I bite my fingernails now. You know, as a "just in case" measure.) Obviously, I didn't succeed. If I had, I wouldn't have 4 little kiddos to drive me nuts on a daily basis. (I DO know my small victories when I see them.) 

It didn't end there. Or start there even, if I'm being honest. I have suffered from eating disorders (multiple, depending on the time.) over the years. And, yes, judge me if you will, but, even though I had a LOT of medical issues throughout my pregnancies that mimicked bulimia (which weren't. I want to be perfectly clear about that!), I continued to go back to that every time. As sick (no pun intended) as it is, I still do. (And, yes, I've done the group therapy/personal counseling/OMG WTF are you doing?!?!? therapy. This post isn't about me failing.) I've suffered/found solice in that since I was in my early teens. Do I know it's horrible? Yes. Have I tried to stop? ABSOLUTELY!!! Unless you've been there, you have no clue.

Anyway, I want to get back to what this is about. Not that the eating disorders are irrelevant, just that I feel they are merely a symptom of something larger. 

Back to the present. This week I almost did the unspeakable again. The last year has been hell. I've had more demons from the past creep up than I ever thought possible. So, yes, I went back to "that place". And wound up with 4 cops at my door ready to haul my ass off to the loony bin. And had to convince them that I wasn't in any immediate danger. You know what, though?  I lied to them. For the first time in ages. I lied. I might not have been in "immediate" danger, but, rather, "imminent" danger. So I lied to get them out of my house. I couldn't bear to put my kids through that embarrassment. I'm still not happy about that.

But you know what?  I realized that, even if I've done everything else wrong, I've done ONE thing right. In my darkest hour, I reached out to someone who was actually willing to put our friendship on the line and think about me first. I learned to trust people. People that I don't even know really well. To look out for me. The people I least suspected to call the cops and make sure I was OK (even though they thought I'd hate them for it), called them. To make sure that, when I'm incapable of taking care of myself, someone will look out for my well being. Because, guess what? If I hadn't reached out. To people I've never even met in real life. Those cops never would have showed up at my door. And I might not be writing this.

Yes, I'm looking out for my own well-being now. Well, in all all honesty, the best I can do right now is say that I'll try to do that. Yes, I know I need help. And, yes, I know how lucky I am and what a near miss I had.

I just hope this reaches someone in the same place I was a few weeks ago before it's too late. And that they realize they aren't alone.


  1. I have hope that you now feel better. Sending love. I have been there but no one cared glad you have people.

  2. So very, very, brave. Thank you for sharing this painfully raw piece of yourself. As a fellow mom of 4, I only want to offer support in any way that I possibly can. No judgement from me, I am in awe of your bravery. I have dark, hidden, corners and shadows in my past that I do not have the guts to share with my readers. I commend you. And I am not just saying that I support ou -- I would be more than willing to help if there is anything that I can do -- even if it is just to listen (my contact info is on my blog).

  3. Thank you for sharing! I've been in many of those dark places over the years. Now that I have three kiddos of my own I'm trying to better myself for them. :D

  4. Thank you for sharing your story. I have been a long time fan of your facebook page (you are one funny chick, I love your page).
    It look like you were writing my life story. I hope you are feeling better. If you ever need some random stranger, who has been through the same shit and knows exactly how you are feeling please feel free to email me :)

  5. Thank you for saying what so many of us want to say. It's hard to get through it all, but that's what makes you amazing! Appreciate that more often :) I had to learn that the hard way!

  6. You are such a brave woman. Your situation and words will save another person. Thanking that friend in your life that called for you, is also a brave person.

  7. You have done a good thing by posting this and I hope it helps someone.

  8. Thank you for exposing your true self this way. You are a brave soul and the world would be a lesser place without you in it. Your children need you but the rest of us also need your honesty and bravery. I tried to kill myself almost 10 years ago. I was tempted again a couple years ago and lied about it but I was trusting enough to hand my revolver to a friend under the pretext that I was worried about it getting stolen. My friend didn't argue the point but he did make me promise to not hurt myself. He saved my life and allowed me to keep my dignity. I hope for us both to never hurt like that again.

  9. You are amazing....even if you don't think so....I do! Thanks for wanting to put this out there in hopes of helping just one person. I am sure you did!

  10. You know we all love you for your honesty. You are one amazing girl and I've been in awe of you since we 'bumped' into each other on facebook last year. When times get tough just reach out. We're all here for you, even if it's just via cyber space. x

  11. Thank you so much for sharing! I commend you on your bravery and courage to post something like this; it just shows how strong of a woman you are!