This weekend, however, he said that he wants to be left alone. Totally. Alone. For a whole day. He wants his brother and sisters AND me (WTF?!?!?! Seriously?!?!?) to go somewhere and leave him alone for 24 hours. He was adamant about it. No kids. No Mommy. No anyone. For 24 fucking hours. He's only 6, obviously, there was no way in Hell, that that was going to happen. After I came to my senses and realized that I'd still have the other 3 tagging along, I cancelled my ticket to Getthefuckawayistan, and did what I do best.
I enlightened him as to
Who's going to make your breakfast? You'll starve. (Translation: You eat more than any other child on the fucking planet! How the hell do you think you'll survive?!?)
I'll fix my own breakfast. Pancakes come in a mix. How tough can it really be?!?
You're not allowed to use the stove. (Translation: We have a gas stove. You'll burn the fucking house down, dumbass.)
OK. I'll have cereal. You bought the good cereal this week, anyway.
You can't seem to figure out how to turn the shower on. (Translation: You're too fucking lazy to figure out how to keep from scalding yourself BEFORE stepping into the water.)
That's OK. I won't play outside, so I can skip a day of showering.
When was the last time you were able to pick out clothes that match without calling for me? (Translation: Alright, you little shit. Game.Fucking.On.)
It's the weekend. No school. I can't drive anywhere so why do I need matching clothes?
I'll just carry him around all day. He'll have fun.
You're grounded from your Nintendo DS, and you're not allowed to watch TV unless I approve the show first. (Translation: If you think you're going to be able to veg out and be lazy all fucking day while I run around with 3 little kiddos, you are sorely mistaken!)
I'll play games on your laptop. Cartoonnetwork.com. I have codes to Bottlepop.com that I haven't used yet, too.
I'd take my laptop with me. (No translation. That shit just isn't going to happen.)
OK, you can stay, Mommy. Can we send the other kids to camp or something?
Game.Set.Match.I like that idea. Maybe we should.
When was the last time your kiddo tried to outsmart you, and you took pride in the fact that he never stood a chance?