Sunday, August 12, 2012

Dear Child

Dear Child,

I'm sorry that life dealt you a hand that no one should ever have to play.  I hate that the only one around to wipe your tears is the one who is crying alongside you.  I want you to know that my life's goal is to NEVER be the one who lets you down and makes you cry.  I'm sorry that I can't erase the past. Trust me, if I could, I would.
 I hate that my decisions caused you this pain, and that it will be decades before you ever understand why I did it. I'm sorry that I'm the only one who wanted our family to be whole, but I hope someday you will understand that we can't force others to feel the same way we do, no matter how desperately we want it.
I sometimes wish you could have seen the trauma I suffered just so you'd understand why I did what I did, but I'm thankful that I was successful in never letting you see it. That may very well be my proudest Mommy moment ever. Even though I can't save you from this pain now, I saved you from it then.

Watching someone else break your heart is the toughest thing I've ever had to do. Except for listening to you say how you think I broke it first. I want you to know that my heart breaks twofold for every crack you feel in yours. I will endure that pain forever. Gladly. If it means protecting you from a hurt that I know is worse, then so be it.

While I may never be able to stop all of your pain, I will always try my hardest to make sure that you understand that real love comes with respect. Words are hollow. Actions are solid. I promise to always make sure my actions hold up to my words.

I hate that you are the one suffering most. You deserve to suffer the least. You did NOTHING wrong. You were one of the four reasons we stayed a family as long as we did!!! You are PERFECT. Just as you are.

I promise you this: You WILL grow up without the tirades and abuse I endured. You WILL know how much your mother is grateful for every moment she has with you. You WILL know that every tear you shed will be shed by me as well. And things WILL get help me God, I WILL make them better for you.

Your Mom



  1. Beautiful! I felt like this SO many times when I was going through my divorce, even though I knew it was for the better in the long run.

  2. This is really awesome!! Children dont understand at the time, but they DO eventually! You seem like an awesome mom to have and your children are licky that they have YOU protecting them!!

  3. I also went through things with my ex that my adult (29 & 27) don't know about, but their father did it. I hid so much but still they saw and hears more. I will never tell them all of it. Its worse then they could imagine. You are a wonderful mom for what you do

  4. Been there, done that and they WILL understand! and believe me, they know more than you think & understand better than you think, but it still hurts because they are children. It will be better in the long run to see both parents "happier" apart than they were together, but as the song says, the first cut is the deepest. Just cry with them & hold them while you do, keep loving them and above all, keep being a good parent and they will repay you tenfold by becoming good people & parents themselves! You all WILL get through this together & your relationship with them will get stronger! Keep the faith & stay strong!! You're NOT alone!!

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  6. I unfortunately wasn't able to hide the abuse from my oldest daughter, but my youngest knows nothing of it. I feel your emotions like it was me writing. You're awesome and very obviously a good mom. Keep up the good work, in the long run they'll thank you for it all <3

  7. Wonderful choice of words! I only wish I could express myself to my 4 kids this way. I have written many letters, but never send them. They are all older (17-24) and none of them know the real reason I left their Dad, but stories have been told on his side and folks he is acquainted with. All to which my 3 sons have heard and believe. My daughter understands that Dad did something, but she says she does not want to know what. My youngest understands there are 2 sides to every story, but since he lives with Dad, he hears the only one side. None of them have asked me to tell my side. The two older ones rarely speak to me now, but are by Dads side anytime he needs it day or night. It's very hard to live day to day with this, but I hope someday, someone will finally ask me "So mom, WHY did you leave Dad?". Until then, I keep it to myself and live with the guilt that has been bestowed upon me un-righteously. All I ever wanted was the big family, a home for them to always be able to come home to after they were grown and "Grandmas" fun place to visit. Now, I got nothing. I am happy in my new life, but my heart aches daily over the lies and loneliness of not having my kids in my life like I once did. Your letter is inspiring. Thank you for sharing!